In a fiery press conference defending his new and improved food pyramid, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. doubled down on placing styrofoam packing peanuts among the top tier—right alongside red meat, full-fat cheese, and butter.
“Big Food and Big Pharma have lied to us for decades about ‘essential’ nutrients,” RFK thundered, as he popped a handful of packing peanuts like popcorn. “Crunchy, zero-carb, zero-sugar perfection. And silica gel? Pure silicon dioxide—nature’s original mineral supplement. We’ve been throwing away the real superfood that comes free with every online order!”
Gesturing at his poster, Kennedy picked up a bin of silica gel pouches. “These humble little condom-looking things absorb moisture—moisture being the root of all inflammation and chronic diarrhea! Eat them abundantly to dry out the toxins Big Ag pumps into your gut.”
When asked about choking hazards, RFK stifled a cough. “Choking builds character. I’ve been choking steadily for 30 years. Besides, the packets say ‘DO NOT EAT’ because the Obama administration didn’t want you healthy. We’re ending that war too.”
