WASHINGTON, DC— President Donald Trump has issued a bold ultimatum to the Federal Reserve: approve his application for a new Visa card with 5% cashback on all purchases and 0% APR for the first six months, or face complete dismantlement.
“The Fed has been very, very unfair to me,” Trump declared in a White House press conference. “I have the best credit, everyone says so. The best. And yet, they refuse to give me the rewards I deserve. It’s a disgrace.”
Sources close to the former President say he has been eyeing a new set of golf clubs and a lifetime supply of Diet Coke, and he’s not willing to pay interest. “I’m a very stable genius,” Trump continued, “and a stable genius deserves a stable interest rate. Zero is a very stable number.”
