WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump announced today that U.S. military operations abroad will continue indefinitely until the nation is firmly protected from any mention of the Epstein files. “We’re bombing bad guys left and right. Really bad men. Not nice. Venezuela, Iran, maybe Greenland next if necessary,” Trump declared from the Oval Office.
While some note that these actions are perfectly timed to interrupt the much-awaited reports on unsealed court documents linking high-profile figures to the late Jeffrey Epstein’s island escapades, Trump insists it’s all about safety. “If I have to drop a few very big nukes to distract the world from that Epstein hoax, maybe I will!” he tweeted, promising more bombings until CNN switches completely to covering international affairs.
