WASHINGTON, DC — In a controversial decision, the Supreme Court ruled today that biological males may continue to participate in women’s sports—provided the competition involves sufficient flannel, buzz cuts, and un-ironic carabiner usage.
Justice Brett Kavanaugh for the majority: “We see no need to block men from competing in sports where the female athletes already look like they could be men. Softball, roller derby, rugby sevens—those are safe harbors. Anything involving ponytails, synchronized leotards, or actual sprinting remains off-limits to anyone with a Y chromosome.”
The decision immediately sparked celebration in certain locker rooms. One trans-identifying roller derby player, who requested to be identified only as “Big Rig,” told reporters, “This is a huge relief for me, as someone who only plays in women’s sports where my five-o’clock shadow is considered the norm.”
Kavanaugh says they are considering banning biological women from women’s roller derby.
