GENEVA—In a bombshell Christmas Day announcement, physicists at CERN declared that quantum entanglement data from the Large Hadron Collider proves we’re trapped in the multiverse branch where George Bailey was never born.
“Bedford Falls? Never existed,” said lead researcher Dr. Evelyn Branch. “Our reality matches the grim ‘Potterville’ timeline: rampant heartless greed, no community spirit, and lots of sad spinster librarians.”
At publishing, Clarence Odbody had not yet earned his wings.
