In a landmark oral argument that left legal scholars foam-darting for cover, Supreme Court Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson today cited the venerable NERF N-Strike Elite warning label as compelling historical precedent for robust gun control.
“Let’s be clear,” Jackson declared, brandishing a crumpled foam-dart instruction sheet like a 14th Amendment smoking gun. “This 2012 regulatory text explicitly warns: ‘WARNING: Do not aim at eyes or face. Serious eye injury may result.’ If the toy-gun industry in the early 21st century recognized the grave danger of projectile misuse, surely the Framers would have expected modern legislatures to do the same for actual firearms.”
Critics gasped as she continued: “The Bruen test demands we examine history and tradition. NERF’s mandatory orange tip and admonition against facial targeting represent America’s unbroken tradition of protecting innocents from irresponsible blasters. To ignore this analogue is to cherry-pick history.”
Hawaii’s attorney nodded vigorously while the pro-2A counsel stammered something ridiculous about “foam darts are not the same as lead bullets.” Jackson pressed: “So you’re saying children can handle regulated toys responsibly, but adults cannot? That concession is… illuminating.”
